I was hesitant to do this — but I am releasing a portion of my 1st novel to my blog. It has taken quite a long time to actually sit down, and let the words flow but I did it. Now, comes the fork in the road. I want others to read it, become inspired and motivated… I want to know what others think. Feel free to comment and if everyone wants more — I will release more.. the novel is based on actual events that I have experienced —
Here it goes —-
By: Bethany DyAnne Ackerson
Listen to your loves’ heartbeat. — Put your ear on their chest and listen to the strong and steady ba boom of the heart. Feel the sound of their heart. For when your love is lost that half is ripped away from you. This will be the one sound that you will miss besides the sound of their voice and their laugh.
My love of the of the past
to my daughter’s Catherine and Marissa
and to my most inspiring, annoying (at times), talented,
Ryan D. Murphy
Feeling the warm grass under my feet as my daughter’s and I walked to our community mailbox and hearing the words,
“You the best mommy in the whole world” cross my four year old daughter’s lips for I was allowing her to pull her pink plastic wagon to the mail box today delighted me. My daughters are probably one of the few only reasons why I am still alive today. All those shrinks out there probably could still pick that statement apart. There are multiple moments during the day where I reflect at where I am now emotionally/finically/mentally then where I was two years ago. Bitterness had become a new emotion that I have felt, the “screw you” statement had become a daily, now, and multiple timed daily thought. “Screw you” had joined and taken over my once naïve happy full of life persona, being able to look and see the good in everyone one, was no longer there. The give a damn has been lowered since realizing that the world was and is indeed full of out for themselves and instant gratification individuals.
Or is it?
In a month it will mark two years since my world was ripped, shredded, the broken pieces of my life shattered all around me, like a vase thrown to the ground. Shards of once what I thought were a normal life could not be put back together again. If I even thought I trying to put that life back together, like picking up a broken piece of glass, knew I would but cut.
July 27, 2011
July 27, 2011 began normally or what was the norm “once upon a time”. I woke up around 4 in the morning to make my husband and I our pot of coffee. As the scent of warm caffeine filled the kitchen I packed my husband (what a wonderful man) his lunch for work. After kissing Travis goodbye, I got ready for the girls to wake up whom at that time where two and three who were still slightly slumbering. During the day, I did my meager household duties, laundry…cleaning…but today was different. Today was Wednesday, and for me it was special, for it marked a week off from school, for the ten week term ended yesterday and once again I had made the President’s list. So, today, I was going to make it even more special not just for me, but for our sweet girls who tolerated me and for Travis who stood by me and encouraged me to succeed. The girls “helped” me do the weeding in our little vegetable and fruit garden. I did our wash, steamed cleaned of all the carpets and made Travis his favorite meal.
Through the day, I baked and I baked my ass off. Sugar cookies, spiced oatmeal raisin cookies, peanut butter cookies and pork roast with fresh veggies from the garden to compliment this exceptional meal. The day was hectic and busy, so in the afternoon hearing the voice from Travis on his break was a god send. We swapped the details of our day, said our love you’s and hung up.
While the girls were down for their naps, for back then I was lucky to have an hour a day where they napped. Going outside to weed the gardens, pick produce that was ripe, I caught up with my neighbors. Evening came, the call from the hubby said he was going to be late and that he taken on the extra hours.
Fuck, that means he isn’t going to be home till 11, and that I am going to have to put the girls to bed myself, one more night where they don’t get hugs/kisses from their father, and now dinner will have to be microwaved. 9:00 rolled around, (I still have that voicemail). It pissed me off to have to microwave such an awesome meal.
I missed it. Travis had called but I was like “whatever”.
10:30. I should be hearing from him by now I thought and as if my luck… there we go… there’s the phone ring. Travis proceeded to say work was done and that he was on his way home. I was sitting in the overstuffed burgundy recliner in the corner of the living room watching cartoons popping plumb red raspberries and small acai dark chocolates that, somewhat and somewhat awkward phone call would be my last.
“I am on my way home now” Travis said.
“You sound tired, you okay” I ask concerned, for I was.
“Yeah, just a long day at work” Travis said tiredly.
“You hungry”, I ask. I was concerned, but I also was working out the timeframe of when to exactly pop his plate of food in the microwave.
“Not really”, was Travis’s response.
What the hell I think to myself. I spend majority of my day cooking/baking for him. I can’t please this son of a bitch can I.
“Okay see you in about twenty”. Travis uttered to me. In reply I told him that I loved him.
“Love you too sweetie” Travis uttered to me.
10:45 rolls around I felt eager to see Travis. I race to the front entrance to turn on the porch lights, stopping for just a moment to check out the baby cuttings from the herbs to see if any roots had sprouted. With quiet urgency I go throughout the house to turn on the dining room lights, kitchen lights as well as the back porch lights, for I had turned them off previously to put girls down.
10:50 damn I look like a sight as I caught my refection in the large square mirror that hung in our dining room on the side wall. My hair still not brushed from a shower forty-five minutes previously. Although, those hot pink tips still looked pretty freaking amazing. What you do when your twenty-five and still trying new things.
11:00 I called Travis to see where he was just to see if he was ok or something came up. Since he was a volunteer fireman at Cherry Hall he sometimes he would take an EMT call if he was close by. So, I texted to see if that was the case. While waiting for a reply I brushed my hair, still in love with my tips I slip into some pj bottoms, and the scanner goes off.
Fuck those things are loud, holy hell. The tones from the scanner go off again, what the fuck, the muffled voices on the other end travel through the bedroom and the echo of the voices I could hear coming from the bathroom. Travis would know what they were saying, not me, so I turn the scanner down.
Where the hell is he, I slather some lotion on, throw a sweatshirt on and check FB on my phone. Perhaps, Travis on his way home get sidetracked, maybe there is something on FB of a recent call.
I mean c’mon, I sent him text messages, called him like twelve times to see where he was, there still was no answer. Searching on FB, I see he had be-friended what looks like a scank. Who the fuck is she? Posing like that with no shirt on, seriously, now granted, nice firm boobs, a tan, but seriously Travis?
Then it dawns on me, our recent fight two weeks ago. Yah the divorce fight, where I throw my engagement ring and wedding bands at him, it didn’t even really phase him. He just sat there in the lawn chair with a beer in his hand. I was fuming as I picked up the girls and went in the house. I didn’t even see where the rings had landed in our lawn.
He had been spending so much time there lately, at the firehouse. I know how the weekend panned out. They had been the same for the past three years. Friday night, screw it, firehouse for him, me at the house with the girls. Saturday wake up, breakfast, get ready for the only outing we had in the week, yeah go to fucken Walmart for groceries and anything else the house needed. Saturday afternoon and evening he would be down there at the firehouse and Sunday afternoon as well. He had seemed distant lately, but I thought everything was going to be ok.
We had talked about this. After Travis had given be some time to cool down, we went for a family drive. He saw where my rings had landed and we had talked about how he was going to spend more time with the children he helped bring into the world and find more time with me his wife, who had stood next to him during all his ups and downs. His wife who helped him loose close to 75 pound in a year, his wife who tolerated quite a bit of bull shit from him.
And now, seeing this fucken broad. Oh hell no. I proceeded to send him a text message of the wife’s fucken intuition and brain. The emotion of the moment swallowed me in fist of fury..no…rage. I felt like packing his shit and throwing it out of the freakin second story window.
11:30 still nothing. Fine I thought, be like that. I walked angrily throw each room, turning off all the lights, and locking all the doors, mumbling to myself like a scorned wife. Screw you; you can do everything in the dark.
12:00. With Family guy playing on the TV, I thought I heard a pounding. Eh, it was nothing, so I go back to the meaningless show, there it is again. What the hell is it? I turn the TV off, and very distinctly I hear the pounding again, and this time followed by the doorbell.
Oh God damn it! I am abou to be robbed or something. I walk over to the window in our second story bedroom window which faced out to the main road. I see flashing red and blue lights of two police officer cars. Oh my flippen god, did he seriously call the cops on my text message. I am so gonna get him with alimony and child support, that broad ain’t gonna get a dime I thought with vengeance and determination.
I still look like a sight, turquoise pj bottoms on with a sweatshirt from Darien lake, the only place besides Walmart that Travis had taken us too (well besides fireworks at Wolcott beach, and the nursing home where every Sunday morning was spent to see his mom. Women put herself in that place to avoid being taken care of by her younger manipulative and crude son).
I was heated as I opened up the front door. At the front door were two sheriffs and two random guys who introduced himself as the chief of Cherry Hall and the assistant chief of cherry Hall. I look to the cops and angrily but scared voice I say,
“Are you here because of what I texted Travis” I bitterly asked.
“No ma’am, what text message?” the officer says with curiosity.
“The text message I sent,” (like they were supposed to know what I meant)” He is not home… he must..” I was cut off by one of the officers…
“Ma’am there has been an accident” the officer pronounced.